How Churches Can Help Singles Find a Spouse
Most couples are meeting online nowadays. As this graphic shows, it’s becoming pretty much the *only* way couples meet. This is not good, and it’s a huge opportunity for churches to meet a real need.
In my opinion, dating apps aren’t ideal for Christians. I’m not saying they’re wrong or sinful, just not ideal. This is because dating apps use algorithms to match people based on their self-disclosures (not to mention their profile pictures). It’s all performance based. People know intuitively that they are being judged and evaluated by strangers because that’s the way the apps are built. It just feels worldly.
The chemistry and adventure that naturally occurs in dating is minimized when you can toggle through a list of preferences before you even meet someone. Godly men and women don’t want to play that game, but it’s become the only game in town. Either use an app or remain single. Those aren’t good options.
I have one godly friend who has given up on dating apps because the harsh scrutiny was so discouraging. Apps isolate someone’s negative features from the interpersonal context that might otherwise make that feature endearing. For example, a facial scar on someone’s profile photo may be a turn off. But the backstory of that scar might be his or her most attractive feature. You don’t get that from an app.
Churches are built for relationships. They should be the number one social filter for Christians. Churches are one of the most natural places to find a spouse, since healthy marriages share the same doctrinal commitments. Further, churches are built to bind people together with cords not easily broken.
But that doesn’t mean singles just meet in church and everything progresses naturally. Churches can make a difference by providing some connecting opportunities for singles where potential relationships can begin and be nudged along.
It’s not hard to do. At my church, we openly communicate the value of marriage as well as our desire to help singles find spouses. In other words, we’ve got a pro-marriage church culture. We don’t do events exclusively for singles, however, because that puts unnecessary pressure on people to start dating. Instead, we just have monthly, low-key social events for everyone and encourage singles to come and make friends.
Smaller churches may not have as many singles, so they may not find a potential spouse at church. This is where a pastor can tap into his local network of pastor friends and consider co-sponsoring events together, like conferences or retreats.
This is a regular topic of conversation with me and my local pastor friends. We are mindful of the single men and women in our churches that desire marriage and are looking for potential spouses. When parents are involved, even better. We don’t play matchmaker explicitly, but we do value creating environments where the right people can meet each other.
Pastors, parents, churches, and friends who genuinely love singles often have a good sense of who’d be a good fit for them. They might even have a *better* idea of who’d be a good fit, because people aren’t as self-aware as they think. The people closest to them may see things they don’t see, and have a good idea of the kind of person that would be a good match for them.
Pastors of smaller, like minded churches in an area should be able to coordinate a few social opportunities about 2-4 times per year. I’ve personally seen several relationships form that led to marriage because of connections between like minded local churches and pastors.
