On the Christian Discipline of Children

The goal of a Christian parent’s discipline of his children is that his children would be brought up in worship of God. Our kids’ fruitful Christianity is to be the point of our parenting.

Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.

Ephesians 6:4

Knowing that’s the end zone, what plays do we call? What means are used in achieving that end?

Spanking

Whoever spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him.

Proverbs 13:24

When we spank our children well, we’re applying a measured, controlled amount of temporary physical pain in response to a sin or misbehavior that, if allowed to continue, would result in much greater and longer pain. We are not merely distributing punishment the way a good civil magistrate would, and that is because we have a different sort of role with our children than a judge does with a defendant. We are covenentally bound and called by God to, by His grace, teach and form the hearts of our children. So a spanking from a Godly parent is not merely dispensing justice for the victim, the way an execution of a murderer or rapist would (among other things) be. A faithful spanking is never merely punitive. It’s doing more than that. It’s drawing our children away from danger. It’s forming and shaping and instructing in what sin is and why it’s serious.

And we shouldn’t have a face or body language that convey mere punishment. Faithfully spanking six-year-old Joey for stealing his sister’s marker and laughing when she cried is using a bit of intentional, temporary, physical pain to unweed that sin from his heart. It serves the end of shaping his heart. And as I do it, Joey shouldn’t see me with the red-faced anger of a short-tempered and distressed dad, but the serious and and righteously angry face of a dad intent on driving sin and foolishness from his little boy’s heart. 

Family Worship

You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise.

Deuteronomy 6:7

I started with spanking because it’s the most obvious. But the place that the family’s Christianity is brought to bear on the souls of the children the most, if done faithfully, is in daily family worship. What a child is taught about what the world is, who he is in it, and what goodness and evil are, these can all come from the short daily Bible reading, prayer, and singing that come into basic family worship. Our kids can be taught the most essential things about the world and its Maker right there, in the living room or dining room table or wherever that daily reading, prayer, and singing take place.

In the Thomas house, we read 5-10 minutes of Scripture with some explanation, pray, and usually sing. We work our way through the Bible, Genesis to Revelation. I work in another Christian book (most recently Augustine’s “Confessions”), but that may not be for everyone. The features that matter most are that (A) it’s governed by the Word of God and (B) it’s every day. With that brand of family worship, our kids, by God’s grace and His Word, will be brought up to see that the world is God’s, that He made them, that He is good, and that He can save all of them through faith in His good Son Jesus.

No one is walking around the Thomas house confused about what the standard is or what we’re about as a family. God has been merciful in gifting that to the Thomases through the means of worshiping daily as a family in His Word. And that certainty about what the standard is and what the family is about is most of the battle when it comes to disciplining children. 

Loss of Privileges

I have applied all these things to myself and Apollos for your benefit, brothers, that you may learn by us not to go beyond what is written, that none of you may be puffed up in favor of one against another.  For who sees anything different in you? What do you have that you did not receive? If then you received it, why do you boast as if you did not receive it?

1 Corinthians 4:6-7

One of the worst things that can breed in a kid’s heart is the belief that he is entitled to things. Unchecked, a child will almost always believe that he has what he has by right, that all of the things that he likes in the world that he thinks of as “his” are his without any qualification. What has to be planted in that false assumption’s place within the kid’s heart, by his parents, is the knowledge that he is standing on God’s earth, placed under the authority of parents, and has been given through God’s good grace all of the gifts that come with life and home. And when he sins or transgresses against Godly authority, whether Mom or Dad or Grandpa’ or Teacher, he has no claim on being aggrieved when he then loses those gifts. By taking away privileges in response to misbehavior, we teach our children that gifts are gifts and sin is sin. 

Communication

And do not get drunk with wine, for that is debauchery, but be filled with the Spirit, addressing one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody to the Lord with your heart, giving thanks always and for everything to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ…

Ephesians 5:18-20

We are communicative creatures. We were made by God with mouths to sing and speak, and He Himself used men to write a book to us. We are not islands unto ourselves. Brooding, something adolescents and teens are known for, is not the way to a good life. Throughout our children’s childhoods, we should be cultivating communication with them in all of its wide spectrum: Praise, affection, correction, teaching, listening, joking, singing, whispering, storytelling, and confession.

Our God has shown us in His Word and by the very fact that He has given us His Word that communication is a good feature of His creation and a part of His plan for the world. Let our kids get used to the sound of our voices reading them the Bible, praying over them, and joking with them. Let us get familiar with their tones of voice when scared, feeling guilty, giddy, or thoughtful. Let us write to each other, text each other, sing with each other. We were put by God with each other for good reason.

The Point

Our goal as Christian parents is to disciple our children into faith in Christ, being reconciled to God through Jesus’ death and raised up on the last day by the power of His resurrection. We hope and pray and work and trust for the children He’s given us with that goal in mind. More than a good job, more than academic success, more than financial achievements, more than even a good family themselves, our highest aim for our children must be that they would be saved from God’s wrath by the glorious grace He offers them in Christ Jesus. Let every spanking, every evening of worship, every grounding and talk on the front porch and text message we send, let all of it be from hearts seeking their glorifying God by being saved through faith in Christ.